Category: Dating and Relationships
Hi everyone...
So me & a friend were talking about this subject...So i wanted to ask: What is okay to do or not to do with a fuck buddy??? Is it okay to cuddle? Talk everyday? Ask where u at? Who you with? Can they show up unannounced? I know everyone has their own definition and such so jus tryin to see everyones answers...
Thanks.
I'll just come right out and say it: If you're fucking, you should be able to do anything. Just my opinion. Fuck buddies should have all the benefits of being in a relationship, except the security of being exclusive.
Hmmm, I don't know. I think if I was just fucking someone, and we didn't have a lot in common or even get along all that well, it would be best to just get together long enough to get the job done, so to speak. I don't mean being only interested in getting my rocks off. I'd want to satisfy my partner's sexual needs, but if we're just getting together for a fuck, I probably won't want them hanging around for hours and expecting me to cook a fancy dinner. with that said, a friend with benefits would be much closer and have a much greater priority than a simple fuck buddy. And showing up unannounced? Forget that crap! Also, we would let each other know that we were in the mood, but if our moods didn't coincide at the moment, I don't want to be bugged about it for hours. When I'm in the mood, I'll let the buddy know. I wouldn't have a double standard on it, either. If I let the buddy know that I wanted to fuck and the buddy wasn't interested, I'd either move on to someone else or just go jerk off to some porn or something. I'd much rather have a good friend with benefits. Hopefully, if we were friends with benefits, there would be more of an understanding of how each other's minds worked. We would be closer, thus establishing an emotional bond. If someone is just a fuck buddy, I seriously doubt that the emotional bond would be there. And yes, I would make all of this very clear to whoever I was involved with.
I would much rather have a good friend with benefits. Getting together with someone just for a quick screw isn't appealing to me at all. I would rather have a friend I can talk to, someone I actually like, someone I can trust, have there be mutual respect between us, and so on. That doesn't mean we would have to be exclusive, either.
Hmmm.... if your just fuck buddies I am sorry you better announce to that other person your showing up. Also sorry, that person has no say who gets fucked or does not get fucked.
Usually a fuck buddy is just a friend with benefits. I guess people just need to call it what they do. How can you fuck someone you don't really like?
Yes why not enjoy whatever may happen? You don't have to be tied down to be able to enjoy a person. Getting together for a fuck requires some conversation right, so that person is really a friend even if he or she only wishes to hang around for a short time. I find that even fuck buddies will ask a favor, or want to talk some even if they won't admit it. Guess its the human condition?
Me I like the term lover better. Its gentler. Lol
I'm not saying you *have to* have all these benefits. the original poster just asked if it was OK to cuddle and what have you. Yes, I certainly think all that is OK. in fact, I personally wouldn't have it any other way if I were to ever be in that situation. then again, I couldn't see myself fucking someone I didn't care for beyond the bedroom. Obviously, that would be something to be worked out between the people in question. If you're just looking for a quick screw every now and then, and you can find someone else who is also looking for nothing but a quick screw, then go for it.
Sadly I would have to admit if things do not work out in my personal life, its going to be just friends with binifits until I can actually trust a lady fully.
for years, I've believed that I could be satisfied with just a really good friend with benefits, but recent events have shown me that I really do crave something more than that.
I've done the FWB thing to varying degrees, from the cuddling to the full-on show. It depends on whether you're just using each other for sexual purposes, or if you have a friendship outside of the sex.
Discussion should be had about boundaries, but it's usually the kind of discussion you'd have with any other friends. The situation that I was happiest involved a mutual invitation, a lot of talking and documentary-watching, walks, food, cuddling, and so on. Other situations, in which discussion was avoided, ended abruptly and with turbulence.
Respect each other, have fun with each other, and be honest about where you are in your lives.
As Miss M said, it's all about making boundaries clear, and if either wants those boundaries to change, whatever they are, they need to be open and discuss this with the other person. Whether you're in an actual relationship of a romantic value or not, you still need to cearly communicate with one another. That way, even if one person wants more or less out of the friendship/relationship, there is no confusion. And when one wants romance and the other does not, sometimes the best solution is to let go of the situation. Yes, getting your rocks off may be nice, but I don't think it should be at the expense of someone who thinks they have a romantic chance with you when they actually do not.
I should add here. If someone tells you that something is so, listen to them. If you're in a friends with benefits situation, and someone says they aren't interested in taking it to the next level, they mean it. Don't keep trying to convince them, it will ruin the relationship. You can sit back and do it subtly, but don't try and force it. And don't, under any circumstances, blame them if they've been honest with you. if you're not listening, its not their fault. all of these come from personal experience, and I can tell you how annoying it is to be on the flip side of that coin.
True. and honestly, unless the person is a shallow-minded prick, if they say there is no romantic chance with you, they've thought it through, evaluated their own life as it relates to yours, and decided it wouldn't work for them. Nothing you do or say is going to change their mind, except in rare instances where the person has misunderstood something about you, and that misunderstanding was later proven to be false. Even in that case, this is best accomplished by just acting as you normally would; not by pushing the other person toward this relization.
I'm not a fan of no strings atached situations. They always start off great and without fail, someone starts to develop feelings for the other person. I know different people are into different things, but I think NSA situations always end badly.
O, I definitely agree with you, which is why I really don't think I could do it, but I'm not everybody. Plenty of people are perfectly happy in those situations.
I agree with the previous two posters. Except for what OceanDream said, "plenty of people are perfectly happy with those kinds of situations".
Ok, no offense, but, show me. Show me which people who have friends with benefits, fuck buddies, whatever you want to call it, and are perfectly satisfied with their lives. I'm sorry if my opinion is way too strong for some, but obviously if you're fucking someone, and you want to cuddle with them, and you want to talk and eat and laugh together... Um, well then you're just avoiding the idea of exclusivity because you've probably experienced some really turbulent drama in your past relationships and you're just not too keen on repeating that. How's that real happiness? I understand that sex in itself is pleasurable. I agree with that fact. And I understand that when having sex, there's a difference between fucking and making love. Big difference. And sometimes you just want to fuck. I get that.
But I'm wondering if the people who claim to be perfectly fine with friends with benefits situations are just living under the illusion of contentment. There must be times when you wish you had someone you can wake up next to, share your life with... No, relationships aren't easy. They're not a walk in the park, they're not a piece of cake... They're actually a lot of hard work and dedication. I guess the problem is that people just don't really bother to respect one another enough, or care to take the risk to want to be involved in some sort of committment. People want to drink the milk but not to own the cow, so to speak.
I personally would take the relationship scenario over the fuck buddy/friends with benefits thing anyday. Despite the fact that there can be drama in a relationship; You can get bored, stuck in a rut, want to cross boundaries, your partner sets restrictions on you, yada yada yada. Well. If you have an honest to goodness good relationship, you can get through it with some effort on your part and great communication. What about if you sleep with someone, swear you wouldn't want to be with them for the long term, and you develop feelings for them. But all they want to do is fuck. What if you're friend with benefits finally meets someone they'd actually want a relationship with... Well, that's one hell of a slap in the face, ain't it? What if they on and on and on about that person to you because, well, you're friends, right? How can you easily say, well, I'm not just interested in you as a friend anymore. And, I'm definitely far from a prude. I don't believe in abstinance until marriage, have only one sex partner in life, blah blah blah. But if you go to bed with someone, and that someone is a friend with whom you share common interests, some sort of intamacy is shared. No ands ifs or buts. I can't imagine a situation where two people respect each other, like to talk, cuddle even, satisfy each other in bed--And both of them remain fully committed to staying just friends. Someone's bound to start feeling more, and that's where the sadness really kicks ass.
Yeah. So think on that one, people. If some of the poor, sad, lonely fuckers realized that they actually were sad and lonely, and decided to take some risks and invest themselves in a real relationship, perhaps they would have more of a chance at real contentment. No relationship is all smiles and happiness--Sometimes you wish like hell that you'd rather be out. But at least it's real, and if it's good enough and you can get through the crappy times, it's so worth it. Nuff said.
Well as I say, there are always strings.
I'm happy as I am, but that is maybe because I have had the marage thing. I enjoyed it as well.
I don't need anyone to wake up next too, but love a dinner companion, and cuddling, and talking, or going places. However, I don't require them to be mine.
My needs are simple. Be safe, honest, and reasonable.
I don't need to see you every day, or even talk to you as long as I know we can get together after a phone call and a plan. Now if she decides she wishes to move on that is okay as long as I'm told and not expecting to make that call and have a date, say, for Friday night.
Yes, it requires some excepting of "no, I'm busy," but thats not forever, and I'm easy doing things alone.
Maybe soon this will change, but right now I really enjoy my singleness, or parshal singleness.
To decide to share your life with another person is an extreme undertaking I've learned. Its beautiful, but if one person decides to go against the set plan you suffer. This way I make my plan, she makes hers and no matter waht she does my plan remain intact.
Great opinion poster before, but some people, as me are extremely confortable with this situation.
Agree with the last post. :)
Write Away, like you, I can't imagine how people can possibly be happy with this, but who are we to say they're not? There are so many ways something like this could go wrong; I definitely agree with you there, and again, this is why I'd rather not be involved with a "no strings atached" situation, but just because we could never be happy with it doesn't mean nobody can. In a way, it almost requires more trust and commitment than an exclusive relationship. if you find that your friend with benefits has other friends with benefits, you have to genuinely be OK with this. I will admit I never could, so I have to give props to those who can feel no resentment towards their friend when this happens. But I personally know a couple people who really seem to appear to be comfortable with this. They want to be intimate together, but they don't, for whatever reason, want to be exclusive yet. if this is what they both want, then who are we to say they're not happy, or that they're just fooling themselves and everyone else by saying they're happy with it?
You are correct. Perhaps we shouldn't judge. But I'll just say this:
Appearences are just that... Appearences.
I have one really valid reason for posting what I did before; We are humans, and humans are a complicated species. We have the animal instincts, the yearning to keep things simple, to be free to do what we want, when we want... Yet there's this one unavoidable dagger that just keeps getting in the way of things for us; The need to feel needed. Loved even. We are a species that craves community and acceptance. We, unlike animals, are often possessive of each other.
The person who posted after me on this topic set off to prove that I'm wrong. And he did--Partially. While I can see that he's totally comfortable with the friends with benefits thing, he reenforced something I mentioned; He alluded to having been in a relationship that didn't go as planned, and he mentioned that he feels better knowing that he and his friend with benefits have separate plans whereas, if you're with someone exclusively and someone changes his or her mind, it can be dramatic and painful. I did speculate in my previous post on that being one of the reasons that people choose to go the friends with benefits rout. That poster also said that he's enjoying the friends with benefits thing, for now. And he illuded to the possibility of eventually feeling the need to change that. That in itself hints at the idea that the friends with benefits thing isn't really enoughfor people, whether one is comfortable with it or not. That's why I said that people are experiencing the illusion of contentment. You try to have the cake and eat it to, but even those who are totally cool with it conseed that eventually, they might have to give one up. I think a friend with benefits means one of two things to most people: A person they genuinely like, and want to fuck, but they could do without if need be. Or, a person for whom they feel something more, but the friend can't recipricate that feeling, so they keep up the no strings attached fasade, mistakenly thinking they can transition into a real relationship. So the friends with benefits thing may work, right up until you find someone you actually want to keep for yourself. As selfish as that sounds, that's us humans. And OceanDream was right that in some senses, it takes a bigger, stronger person to overcome the feeling of possessiveness, but most of us become the slaves of it at one time or another. That you can't really dispute.
Now. Bare with me on this one, because this might sound like a grate big heep of unicorn shit.
But Hear it is, in any kace.
I think that one would have to be infinetly hard harted, and so self disrespecting, to want to go down the rout of friends with fucks.
Yes you can share a few heeted moments with a clowse friend, say, a hand job there, cheeky finger there, But to go the hole hog, and share an all round sexual bond is next to impossible. This is because to fuck, is to get your freek on, 5 minutes, wam bam how's ya mam. But to make love, requires a grate deel of feeling for your partner, to spend time with them, to share every moment with them, to take the the time to explore your partners phisicle and emotional form, to bring eech other, as a joint effort, to the apserlute hight of climax, to come down from that sed climax together, and then share the time afterwards lieing together, talking, laughing, or maybe just kissing and smileing at eech other. From personal expirience, that is the best kind of way to share moments of pashon with another person.
To meet somebody for a quick fuck when you have an hour free, for me, holds the same forefilment as nipping off down the library to sit in a quiat corner and wack off to some durty mags.
I may be rong, I may not be.
Everybody has a view, and that was myne.
Deezal, just cause you disagree with a certain practice, who are you to assume those who participate in it have no self respect? are you really so willing to lie to yourself that as humans, we can forego experiencing something natural that needs to be met?
I'm not by any means advocating we all fuck everyone we come into contact with, but, as has been said on a recently created topic, if we're talking about consensual, responsible adults, there's no harm done.
and, to address posts that have stated people in a friends with benefits situation aren't truly happy, I'm sorry to know people feel that way.
coming from a female side of things, I'll say that, all too often, the reason this type of situation fails, is cause people lie, convince themselves they can handle something they really can't, and have hidden meanings behind what they're actually saying.
so, if none of those things are an issue, for some of us, having a friend with benefits is one of the most fulfilling experiences that can be had.
as was also said, you hang out, get to know each other outside the bedroom through going out to dinner, watching tv, etc, etc.
the way people are talking, it's like you're just meeting a stranger on the street, and saying, "hey, let's fuck".
*shrugs* I can't believe that, in 2012, folks are still so closed minded about this.
When I see the word possession applied to people or relationships this bothers me. I personal do not wish to possess or be possessed by anyone.
I possess my computer, it doesn’t feel, or think. I possess my dinner table for the same reasons, but a woman who has chosen to give her body to me regardless of the agreement why, I do not possess. The reason she is with me is free will, not because I own her.
Explain to me what happens when the couple that possessed each other break up after a given time and when you ask one or the other what happened to that true love they say “I hate that bitch” “he was just a son of a bitch;” they turn on each other.
This couple did that smiling, and laughing together. They set and loved without words, but now the words you hear are divorce!
Is it so inconceivable that what actually caused them to be together in the first place was first and foremost sex?
I was sighted for a time, but now I’m not, so I’ll approach this from that prospective and admit I have no self-respect and am probably mentally warped, but!
Put me in a situation where I smell a woman, have touched her and know I like the way she feels, she’s touches me back, and we are having a good time, or we could be doing business, what happens to me first?
I don’t wonder if she’d make a good wife, I don’t wonder about her religion, or opinions. I get an erection!
It’s the woman at the bank, and she stand up comes from behind her desk and straddles me, and not worried about any complications, we orgasm, she get off, goes back, finishes my transaction and smiles and says have a great day, what do I say back? *Yeah!*
You meet a man; you like him much, but learn he has no sexual drive at all. He’s not physically unable, but not interested. Are you going to marry him, because you have a great time with him, he’s funny, rich, and everything else, and his only restriction is you can never sleep with anyone every again?
Okay that’s extreme, but a “fuck buddy” that has agreed to enjoying some time with you beats sexual starvation or masturbation. If I am lucky enough to have one I’ll enjoy it for the pleasure, safety, and companionship. There are always strings, as I posted before. That’s okay with me as well
I believe the profession of prostitution would die, and all these upstanding citizens would stop getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar if they’d admit they have needs.
very well stated, as usual, Wayne. thank you.
I'll add that I do know couples that make it and stay together. The reason why they do is because they allow each other free will.
If she is with me because she wants to be and we adapt and grow that is nice, but until you get there you've got to start with want. You can hold off, but you can't escape it.
before I got married I had a FWB for like 4 years. We had the movies, hanging outs, and all but also when we wanted it just texted the other or called to say what you doing. I agree with another post above that you sort of have to be friends with who you do right? It really is based on boundaries.
And now that you are married to you don't have any of the "I didn't know thats" You want to be and so I'll bet it last because you are first and fore most friends, lovers second. A life mate must be your friend and except your changes, ups and downs.
In my opinion there is a big difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies.
In a case of friends with benefits, there is more communication. Both persons should communicate and make it known how they feel, what they are thinking, etc. And, they need to communicate right from the get go. In any circumstance like this, both persons should realize that this will not last forever. One or the other will be ready to move on at some point. Also, in most of these circumstances, both persons should realize that the person they are friends with may not ever want to be committed to them, therefore they should not have high expectations.
Whereas fuck buddies? I guess that depends on your point of view. That just seems like a once and done deal. Maybe it's just the wording and how I view it.
I agree. to me, fuck buddies says you are buddies for the sake of fucking, where as with friends with benefits, you are friends who also like to fuck. I wouldn't say that fuck buddies are restricted to one night, but generally, when the orgasm is over, both are content to go on their merry way. whether or not you cuddle is really up to you. some people get off just about as much to the cuddling afterwards as they are by the sexual activity. Either way, fuck buddies usually just share one kind of experience, whereas friends with benefits experience many. they just know they are not in a commited relationship.
Then again, most situations are too complicated to clearly label what they supposedly are.
exactly very well said.